Denise Broadwater, M. Ed.,MA,LPC

A concept was recently given to me that in America we suffer from the poverty of plenty.  This, of course, on the surface is a contradiction.   Poverty implies that we are in great need and is often associated with the basics essential to life:  food, clothing, shelter.  In most every case in America, those things are available to those who find themselves suffering from the basics.  I would submit that as Americans who have the basic needs covered and often live in homes that anywhere else in the world would be considered affluent, yet  we still remain impoverished in our spirits.  The money pit we crawl into everyday forces us to work for things nearly unattainable.  After all, society dictates we need to drive the right car, live in the right location, and be well traveled if we are to have others believe we are blessed, successful, and worthy of friends. 

The jobless market has been a wake up call to all of us to get back to what matters.  People have had to return to the dinner table  instead of eating out every night at a local eatery or pull out the board games instead of hitting the theatre with the lastest release.  It has forced us into looking for conversations with friends, walks in the park under the cover of a full moon, and along the way to experience a full belly laugh over something unexpected, or maybe even to cry without reserve or shame over life transitions.  Having to do without can be the catalyst to actual freedom from the things that bring us stress.

When I did agency work,  I lacked time and discipline to set salon appointments ahead so I found salons that were open to walk ins.  One afternoon, I was met by the most interesting hairdresser.  She was from Ghana with a beautiful accent and kind face.  We experienced the most immediate connection.  She had a simplicity to her and and openness that was refreshing to me.  You see, she had known want all too well.  She worked many hours because her children were in college and she was a single mother.  She could have been bitter looking for entitlements to get her out of her need to work so hard, yet she was nothing of the sort.  She seemed thankful for her job and used her station in the salon as a place to impact lives, much like I do in my counseling office.  She spoke of Africa and the intense poverty and the lack of medical care.  She longed to return to spread the gospel and bring true peace to hearts who hurt there.  She felt Americans had so much and appreciated it so little.  She was truly content and grateful and I had not encountered that much in my life.   It took me back a bit and made me look at my own attitudes and motives.

I sit each week with those who long to have someone who understands who they are and more importantly, someone they can trust enough to be themselves.  I frequently ask, “Who do you have in your life who is safe and loves you unconditionally?”  “Are you striving for things that in themselves are not bad, but lack meaning and purpose?”  You see in all of our plenty, if we don’t have someone who sees us for who we are and accepts us in that place, we remain in poverty.

If you are launching a child into college perhaps you have begun to feel the pangs of letting go.  After all, we have sacrificed so much to see that they got into a great school.  Now that the day has come for them to become independent, the hurt of loosing them hits.

Some have done better at cutting the cord along the way, but for those of us who have been overly involved in their lives, we are facing real grief.  Know that denying the reality may prolong the pain.  In this interview, I give my own experience with letting go of my son to a state college several hours away.

http://www.expertsinfocus.com/collegepage.html

Vacation is rolling around again and every summer it seems to come at a great time.  Generally, I find we are escaping from the grind at Christmas and around the 4th of July.  This down time tells a story about the kind of things churning inside of us.  It would seem to be paradise to lay on the beach, recline in the boat, read by the pool in hopes of casting aside the busyness of the times.  It is amazing to me how hard it is to truly do this.  Stopping the choice to fill each waking moment with some goal-driven task or role-filling agenda is difficult.  It is amazing to watch anxiety actually build inside of us as we take time to stop.  I have begun to wonder if we truly can relax.

The Bible says, “Be Still and Know that I am God…” and in most faiths contemplative study is revered as a good thing.  Monk-like work can be very scary.  To have to see what bubbles up when the absence of distractions exists is enough to send one completely over the edge.  Some contemplative experiences that are available to the individual actually test a person to be sure they are psychologically ready to deal with it or a break could be the result of no interaction or purposeful activity.  Balance and health is to understand that all of us need this time for restoration and cleansing.  Vacation is truly not productive if it means life is more hectic with more things on the agenda than in everyday life.  So, just relax and let go of the cares of the day.  If things bubble to the surface, it’s OK. It just means we have not arrived and we are a work in progress.

I am sure there are doctors that can explain the growth process in our bodies or a horticulturist that understands how cells divide to produce larger plants, but when it comes to spiritual and emotional growth, that’s harder.  Research has been gathered over our development and developmental psychologists organize us into stages that seem to outline what we can expect.

Even with all the progress, we cannot force growth.  We can provide an environment that provide everything needed to grow using the right nutrients, temperatures, and watering schedules in the case of plant material.   Our parenting skills and research help us with providing the best environments for children to reach their full potential.  Even so, two children can grow up in the same home unders the same influences and reach such different conclusions.

Spiritually, people seek out religion to find something they can do to move in their growth toward God.  Ps. 1 calls God’s people”… trees planted by the rivers of water.”  A tree does not have control his own growth.  He is in the hands of the gardener.  Charles Spurgeon in The Treasury of David” referring to this passage says a planted tree was chosen by the gardener.  He did not even have control over being picked.  The gardener in his kindness placed him in an optimal place, where the river sediment was rich in nutrients and the water would be plentiful making conditions excellent for survival and growth.  The tree can imagine himself an oak or prefer to be a delicate memosa, but he  pretty much is what he is.  Through stretching or bending can he strive tp grow taller, have brighter leaves in the fall, or kick out the squirrel that has found a hole to place nuts?  His job is to be still and yeild to the gardener.  Sure, new opportunities will come him way (he could be on just the right riverbed to give him just what he needs to be the best tree he can be.)  Some are saying if he thinks long and hard, his dream will come to him giving him control over his destiny.

So, spiritually, are you yeilding?  I think in our American culture regardless of how you differ from me in your faith, we are all seeking a formula.  “Just give it to me in points, please, at least I can check those off!”  I would encourage you to long to get to know God.  If He is the gardener who controls your growth, then learning who He is and what He is telling you becomes the optimum growth move.   Romans 6:13″…yield yourselves unto God, as those that are alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness unto God.”  The constant fight in life is I can control my own destiny.  We can try to influence our opportunities, reach for our goals, and in some cases see small changes in our lives, but even those are part of a larger plan.

Denise Broadwater

Today, one of my “heros” will be laid to rest in Greenville, SC.  I heard of his passing from a friend this weekend.  I have tried to work it out for me to be there for his wife, but there is no way for me to attend.  He was a very humble man who sold insurance in Maryland.  On the weekends, he led our youth group.  Though in his late 30’s at the time, he still had “fun” written all over him.  What I loved about Mr. Cook was his steadiness and resolve.  Due to divorce and mayhem, my life was the without either and at 16 I was searching to make sense of it.  Mr. and Mrs. Cook were there for me in so many ways.  In a divine appointment, they moved to Greenville when I was raising my young children.  I met with them and listened to wisdom.  He was never up front or recognized for great accomplishments.  He just worked behind the scenes influencing and impacting everyone around him.  He loved his wife who he thought the most beautiful woman he had ever seen until I am sure the day he passed.  He knew how to love others and I needed to see it and understand what it meant.  How grateful I am for this single life.  So, he passed with 85 years on this earth.  Mr. Cook left spiritual impact that remains in the lives of those of us blessed enough to know him.

As I recall, “No” is one of the recommended directives given to children. “No, Billy, don’t touch that!”  “No, Billy, hold Mommy’s hand.”  Progressives may think “no” to be too stiffling to Billy’s natural self expression.  The undeniable truth is that “no” has much larger implications.  It gives Billy the wisdom to  know things that are safe and behaviors that work in the world and ultimately as he learns to set limits with others, to engage in meaningful connection with God and man.

In adulthood, being able to say “no” and to receive “no” from others is critical to our very connectedness to those around us.  I once heard a man say it took him till the age of 40 to tell his mother, “no”.  In his relationship he lacked the understanding where he left off and where his mother began.  I dare say, it affected his sense of closeness with his mother making simple decisions difficult.

In a world so infused with “tolerance” and political correctness, “no” has become that dirty little word.  When things are uncomfortable for us or violate our beliefs, a good hearty “no” opens up our lives for others to “get us” in a way not achieved by going with the flow.  If the cry of every human heart is to be known and understood, then the journey involves the ability to say “no” and hear it from those we love and trust. 

What keeps you from voicing your “no”?  How much is it costing you?  Do you take it personally when someone sets this same limit with you?  Answers to these guestions touch at the very core of us.  In a society where pretty much anything goes, we are on more medications than ever for excessive anxiety and depression.  We self-medicate with alcohol and other indulgences to avoid the hard things in our lives.  It may be some of this could be avoided by a willingness to say “no”.

Simply, that  little word “no” could be the key to unlocking further understanding and knowledge both for ourselves and those we love.

Denise Broadwater, LPC

How common is it that we as individuals think we can stuff our woes and our hardships especially if we never developed the ability to open up to others about ourselves.  Sooner or later, a person’s cup begins to overflow.  It am amazed that we think we have done a fine job of it and an untimely event produces signs of emotional breakdown.  Depression, mid-life crisis, physical ailments, and excessive anxiety manifest themselves in debilitating waves.  There comes a time for all of us to unpack our emotional stuff with someone who can be trusted to help us understand what God has been doing in our lives.  It is foolish to think that avoiding or blaming is a real answer.  It may be the easiest way out, but the costliest in the long run.  Unpack emotionally from time to time!  It can be hard and intimidating, but may keep you from more serious ailments.  Your emotional well-being will be a testiment to your ability to face the harder things in life.

Denise Broadwater, LPC

Have you been at a difficult place in your life and a friend has come alongside with what seemed like the perfect advice, yet it still seemed to fall flat? No one likes to hear what should have happened or even what they should have done. Sometimes instead of the quick fix, we just need to sit with them in understanding. All of us have those times, but few have those kind of safe people who don’t have words of flat advice. Especially in times when we are experiencing loss or saddness, listening is the best remedy! When you are tempted to speak up with a needy word, resist the temptation. Your friends will be glad you did.

Denise Broadwater, LPC

This being connected to my counseling site is for the purpose of sharing personally things that are brought to light for me while I sit with those who are experiencing change, searching for direction, or desiring understanding of themselves.  We indeed learn from each other no matter what field we are engaged in daily. 

I believe all of us have a God-space inside of our souls.  I cannot separate myself from who I am as a spiritual being and so this blog includes my own positions and personal beliefs though I do not discuss these in my private practice sessions.  It is my desire to be an encouragement to those who visit this site, so contemplate my thoughts, take what speaks to you, and leave the rest!

Denise Broadwater, LPC